The Bravest Choice
I have zero education or training when it comes to adoption, and honestly foster/kinship care, so I’m really trying to continue to learn, not only so I can be a better mom to MJ, but so I can help navigate the murky waters of the adoption triad for the rest of forever. Social media has really opened my eyes to the complexities of the life we’re in; listening to adoptees, birth moms and other adoptive parents has been humbling. I’ve felt tension and compassion and a consensus that most of us are just doing the best we can in our corner of the triad. I just finished an audiobook called The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler, and truthfully, it was the most gut-wrenching, eye-opening, disgusting and restorative piece I’ve listened to. It wrecked me. I couldn’t stop listening and couldn’t bear to listen at the same time. I would encourage you to read it or give it a free library listen like I did. Hearing the stories of birth moms in the 50s-70s and the heartbreak they endured (not to mention THEY WERE KNOCKED OUT DURING DELIVERY), with no option to parent their babies was devastating, but seeing the work in repairing relationships of children they’d placed was beautiful (I should note, some of them discuss abortion and we do not support that so please use your own judgment in the book). Especially over the Christmas season, I started to reflect on how Jade must’ve been feeling, separated from MJ.
People ask me all the time if “I’ll let her see him” and my answer is always yes, in a healthy setting. I realize that Jade is not able to be the parent he needs and so does she, but that doesn’t negate the fact that he is still hers. He is ours too. They can both be true. She’s had the option to see him since we had custody under a variety of circumstances and I send her pictures frequently. I can’t speak for her feelings on why she hasn’t chosen to see him. Maybe it’s too hard. Maybe, based off her own upbringing and understanding, she is emotionally disconnected. Or, maybe she doesn’t fully understand what I’m offering to her. She did ask to keep him overnight for a weekend and we declined for safety purposes amongst other reasons, so we chatted about boundaries that would be acceptable. D and I both agree that in our home or at a park, without the influence of other people around her, we would welcome her to see him (I’d welcome, he’d allow is more honest). People look at me like I have five heads when I say this sometimes.
“Are you crazy? She just left him and didn’t even fight for him”
“I moved a stranger into my house. I’m a little crazy”
I want him to know his story. It’s uniquely his. I want him to have an avenue to connect with his brother and other siblings if they arise, to know his biology and to be able to ask any questions he needs answers to.
I’m jumping ahead in the story, but when we went to court and she relinquished her rights, the judge asked her hard questions. I sat there, a three-week-old baby attached to me in a carrier, trembling and anxious, and I didn’t even have the hard job to do. My attorney was so compassionate asking her questions, but the questions themselves were brutal. She had to describe her labor, her pregnancy, her family history. The judge asked her if anyone paid her off to relinquish her rights.
“There is no car outside for you after as payment or cash coming to you?” he asked.
That’s a thing you know. A very, very illegal reality.
She mumbled answers to everything as I sat fidgeting and uncomfortable. The judge looked at her with so much gentleness and told her she was very brave and that she was doing something that put her son over herself and maybe that’s when I realized we shared something in motherhood. We all put our kids first, whether we intend to or not. I eat cold food while I serve my family first. I got the stupid minivan because it was best for the kids. I lay in her bed when Ry can’t sleep, even though I’m tired and have a to-do list a mile long. We all feel the mom guilt of not being enough, but truly, just being a mom is brave enough. She was next level. I held my breath the entire hearing and I walked with her after. Her demeanor never changed. I gave her a basket for her baby shower since I wasn’t going to make it on the actual day. I hugged her goodbye. There’s a chance I will never see her again and that’s hard.
Emailing her weekly is something I’ve committed to since she left. I’ve had seasons where it wasn’t easy but I know it’s important. I ask about her new baby and she asks me for parenting advice. She told me she’s worried she’s turning into her own mother, who she hasn’t spoken to since before she moved in with us. She confided in me that she feels like everything hit her at once with Michael this month and my heart broke for her. I haven’t forgotten that I chose to help her, even though this will look different each season of life. For now, whatever she needs from me, that’s what I hope to give.