Friendships and Falling Apart
I did a lot of things I wasn’t supposed to do growing up. Whether I agree with them or not is irrelevant now, but the rules put in front of me were mine to break. I still have a rebel heart, I just try to use it for good now instead of giving my husband, mom and dad gray hair. I struggle with being my genuine self sometimes too, but in turn, I can have a conversation with just about anyone. We all want to feel loved and everyone wants to feel accepted or heard. If you’re on a soapbox saying you just live your life and don’t care what anyone thinks, good for you, but I’m just not quite sure that’s the whole truth for anyone. I know that’s why Jade got kicked out of the shelter. She wasn’t trying to break the rules, but for the first time in a long time, she had a social crowd. Friends who did things like hang out at fast food joints and make weekend trips to the mall. And when you’re 19, homeless, with no family around, having just lost care of your baby, that small taste of companionship probably filled a void in a tiny way the rest of us can’t relate to.
When we first were given custody of Michael, I took two weeks off that my work provided in the form of parental leave. I tied this in with some vacation, worked around D’s schedule and worked from home when I could. I wasn’t sure how long we’d have him, but I knew finding care was a priority. We made it to a daycare waiting list but couldn’t get in until January. Finding a nanny wasn’t going to be any faster so we relied on some friends and D’s mom to help when we couldn’t. It really does take a village. Our lives now consisted of his new job, a half-day kindergartener, a travel role for me and a finally-sleeping-all-night baby! I was working very closely with our case workers and the ladies at the shelter to keep tabs on helping Jade be successful.
The phone rang on a Monday. I should know better at this point than to think if a character in this story is calling on a Monday, the week is going to go smooth. Jade was gone from the shelter and she wasn’t allowed to come back. I felt a hot rush of emotions.
Then the reality hit. I had no way to get ahold of her. The phone I had given her had wi-fi only. I had set up a free cell service, but I had to get the phone from her to make it work. It was getting colder out and I was worried about her. After all, wasn’t my goal to prevent her from being homeless? Here I was, six weeks out from having moved her in with us, and she was back on the street.
When Michael was removed from the shelter, she should’ve been kicked out based solely on breaking their rules, but they’re compassionate women with a heart for change. They did everything they could to keep her focused on her case plan and moving forward to get her son back, but she found friends instead and she was starting to fall apart.
Desperate to fit in, she skipped the temp job she’d had to hang at the mall. When I was in college I skipped work once to party for a home game at Ohio State. 19-year-old girls do what 19-year-old girls do. I know the situations weren’t the same, but I understood a need to bond and feel a part of a crowd.
She lost the temp job. There was the Tylenol and the timeout. Lying about her whereabouts, breaking curfew. The ladies called me. They asked if I could talk to her and try to encourage her to get it together. So, I picked her up to run some errands and made a desperate attempt at a mom conversation.
“Jade what’s going on?” I heard you might get kicked out of the shelter?”
She proceeds to tell me her side of the story. She for sure thinks they’re out to get her. She doesn’t want to talk about this at all. It’s not a big deal she says. She tells me about the mall, the new boys she is hanging out with. I clearly didn’t get through, so I backtrack and start over. She tells me she wants to leave the shelter anyhow. Her friend has a boyfriend and he has an apartment, she has a little bit of money from the job. There is a guy she’s talking to.
I can’t remember what the last incident was that forced her out of the shelter, but I saw her that afternoon walking on the side of the road with her friend. I had Michael in the car so I couldn’t stop since she wasn’t allowed to be with him without our court liaison. I tried to wave and flag her down, but she didn’t see me. Thankfully, she called later that night. She was staying in an apartment with her friends. I found out through the grapevine, there were about five people living in a one bedroom apartment, filled with bedbugs, no heat and a baby on the floor in a pack and play. I was devastated. She wouldn’t let the caseworkers come see her, therefore she wasn’t going to have the ability to have a visit with Michael.
Things took a turn for the worst for her and my heart broke each day the more that unraveled. My friends were graciously offering to take her into their homes instead of leaving her in the gross apartment. The things that I know happened to her there are things I can’t imagine ever happening to my own child. I can’t remember where she went from there because I know now they were evicted, but eventually she did get another job and found another boyfriend. Her job coach called me, off the record, telling me if I could get ahold of her, she would do anything in her power to help. There are honestly so many good people still on this earth. I saw her less and less; she never confirmed any visits and wasn’t paying her court ordered child support. She stopped coming to case meetings and eventually, our case workers started discussing permanent legal custody. My rose-colored glasses were shattered; she wasn’t trying anymore and I knew I had to shift my focus once again. How can I navigate permanent custody of someone’s child? What will this look like to him? How will this impact our family?
Next week is Christmas Eve, my favorite holiday of the year. I’ll certainly post something on our social media, but I won’t write a blog post again until January. Our family has always opened gifts on Christmas Eve because I so graciously ruined the Santa myth for everyone at the ripe age of two. My hope and prayer for anyone reading this is to spend the holiday being genuinely present with your family. Put down the phone. Even when you feel like you emptied the wine bottle way too fast because you simply CANNOT with them anymore, remember the treasure that they are. Say a prayer for Jade, who is a new mom again, but still lacking in relationship with her family. Honor all the birth moms out there or educate yourselves a little more on adoption, buy a meal for a family who will otherwise go without, pull an angel kid from the tree, hug your grandma a little longer. Stay in your pajamas and don’t clean up all the toys right away. Take it in and remember how fortunate you are to have the Christmas you do, no matter how simple.
But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.”
Luke 2:10
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Spent the day trying to catch up in the little moments I had scattered throughout. Prayers will be said tonight & in future ones. I’m envious you have no Santa. Merry Christmas Kansy’s ❤️
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